True Love

You may not have perfect attendance in my everyday encounters but you made sure that you were always there when I needed you. You were working 24/7 because you wanted me to have a wonderful future thinking that the money you have poured out in my education and possessions were enough to satisfy my dire need for attention. I excelled in school but not in my ability to immediately belong in society. I was different.

I was 10

You saw that I was growing up quick but you let me experience life. You saw how I rose to the top and how I fell to the ground. You were all ears and even tears, they rolled down on your eyes after hearing how I have suffered but you knew this was just another learning experience and the best you can do is to support me and hold my hand. You worked harder and harder as your eldest child learns to enjoy life.

I was 12

You have seen my imperfections but still loved and cared for me endlessly. I focus on impressing my friends that I have forgotten what makes you smile. I make mistakes but you continue to help me. I push you away but you bring yourself near every time to make me feel that you have not given up in loving me, for me. I tell you my achievements and you respond with a simple response but I hear from all my relatives how proud you are of me.

I was 15

You knew that I was not the best but continued to let me do what I want to do. Then came a time when I knew I was not enough for society and then, I wondered why you never pushed me hard to become best in what I do.. you answered me, “because you were good enough for me. You seemed happy in what you were doing so we did not want to put any pressure.” You were rooting for me not because I was good at what I was doing rather you wanted me to appreciate the simple joys I had. You continue to pay for my hobbies to sustain my happiness.

I was 18

You knew I was having a hard time and you still gave me your time despite your current sufferings. You knew you had much more to give up for this decision for our perceived success in a new environment. It was tough for me and I was selfish to think of my own challenges as the worst that could happen. You cried with me and finally, have become vulnerable of your own reasons for your tears. I am grateful for opening your heart to me. Now, I understand. I, too, am crying with you.

I have been aiming for so many things to prove my love for you. I became extremely busy trying to reach for the stars when I have forgotten to look around that while I was flying high, I have lost touch with you and even though you were looking up to me, I still felt alone. You reminded me that I did not need to do anything to make your proud because you already are. You tell me every time, “You are our pride. You are the reason that we continue to live and work. You never fail us. All we want you to become is healthy and happy. The achievements that you bring to this family? They are also important but to us, they are just additional assets that make us happy that not only are you happy but you are doing really well. We love you.”

I could not get it but everyday, you prove through your actions, that you care a lot. I have learned that this is what true love is. Love does not have to be extravagant. It can be the little things that you do like remembering birthdays, cooking for a meal, fixing the house, going home early to talk, and giving hugs. You cook our meals, drive me to work when I sleep late the night before, learn as much in order to catch up with my growing knowledge, book trips for us to see different places, and shower me hugs & kisses.

I am 22 and I am continuing to learn more about the definition of love but one thing is for sure, I love my parents, forever and always. ❤

Health is Wealth

For the longest time, I have been told that health is everything but then I have never really taken it so seriously until recently. I used several methods on how to be “healthier”; however, it was always temporary and never sticked to my lifestyle because I always bounced back to how I used to be — junk food, sweets and fast food. Balanced diet has always been on top of my mind but again and again became the least of my priorities. I know what I needed to do but lack the commitment to follow through.

My sweet tooth can be seen as something normal at my age; however, I do not want to have any regrets later on for not being able to take action on this early on. My skin condition and mood for the day/week reflects what I have been eating and doing and trust me, it shows whether I have been taking care of myself or not. I’m aging and health is not a joke anymore. This does not mean that I cannot eat my favourite desserts anymore rather this is a wake-up call that I must learn self-discipline.

This is such a vulnerable topic for me because this has always been one of my insecurities. There were doubts for me in posting this but I knew that this would help me stick to what I will be starting: the ME project.

I was always the big one when I was a kid (among the boys and the girls) and was not really comfortable in my own skin. As I was growing, I became numb to such comments and therefore, have fixed my mind that I was never the “normal” kid. Then again, what is the definition of “normal”? The biggest highlight was when I became involved in a sport that made me lose a lot of weight. People noticed and since I used to be extremely externally motivated, I gained some confidence to speak up or be myself because I thought now that I looked better, I was given more opportunity to be part of their world. That was then, that was how I saw the world: I had to look good to feel good. Even then, I became more conscious about how I weighed because I knew I either had to keep it or lose more. It was a mental trick that kept playing in my head never-endingly. Now, it came to a point that I became comfortable in always teasing myself around my family saying, “I look so fat”, “my thighs are ginormous”, “my face is so bloated”, “why am I so big?” and so on and so forth. Comfortable in that context, is not a good thing because I have realized that it is slowly becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy that instead of keeping it to myself.. I have learned to share it to the people I care most about that I did not like myself. I had to do something about that.

In this generation, I can see that health is becoming more and more important as people start to appreciate natural ingredients in meals and find ways to exercise regularly. The pressure that I see in social media has prompted me to look at myself and the lifestyle I have in a different angle. I noticed several things: I blame my mom for buying junk food and sweets, I go for the easy food because I “do not have time” to prepare real food, and I am motivated to eat healthy only when an event comes up. These were not positive approaches because I was letting my environment determine my ability to take care of myself. It was driving me nuts.

I am sharing you this not because I despise my chubby-ness rather I am acknowledging that I am deteriorating my mental, physical, and emotional health due to my lack of discipline of prioritizing my health. I am just in my 20s but just like what Meg Jay said in her “Defining Decade” book & TEDtalk, we must learn how to delay gratification (meaning: control cravings and immediate pleasures) and build our personal brand (meaning: being strong inside and out). How am I able to accomplish my goals in life if I, myself, have achieved what I needed to get to where I want to be? Moreover, this is more than just my weight, it is also about taking care of my future self.

Right now, I am committing to a 365-journey to a better me where I will document my daily path towards a healthier lifestyle to forever. Follow me on my journey. 🙂

P.S. You are more than welcome to introduce your health journey in here too. I will be more than thrilled to hear all about it and I believe that the more that we come together to promoting the importance of health in one’s life, the more fulfilling the voyage will be towards our destination: a better us, you & me!

Speechless

Have you ever had this feeling where you can’t comprehend the emotions you are experiencing? It is a combination of relief, contentment, excitement, and calmness.

There are always these moments that boggle my mind. I was raised to be a listener and expressing the thoughts that are running marathons in my head was and is still never easy. Writing them down can be challenging but talking about them can sometimes be impossible. This year’s word of “eloquence” is working well though because I have pushed myself to speak more about my ideas without thinking too much about how others will respond. I still filter a lot but I am less anxious.

I am speechless not because I have got nothing to say rather I am unable to describe what I usually feel. My brain is as complicated as my heart where the past, present, and future rambles together to find their place in my decisions. Sometimes, it is fun to wander in my head whilst thinking of so many possibilities on how one event can lead to the other and how the looking back gives sense to everything that is currently happening. It’s a crazy beautiful kind of day. I hope that you get to be mindful of what you’re feeling and experience the magic inside you. 

I mainly wanted to reach out to my readers and to remind myself that I am blessed to be living in this world full of lessons to learn. I feel fearless of whatever can happen and feel so hopeful with the endless string of probabilities. I am still scared but in a different way where I am just open to what may happen because I know that at the end of the day, it will be something that I will learn from.

I was an obsessive planner. I used to imagine in my mind on what was supposed to happen from start to finish; however, I learned that it’s not much fun. One time I heard or read from an article on how a kid was so disappointed but how he knew what the weather will be like for tomorrow. Would an adult have ever thought about that? It’s so interesting how we expect everything to be laid out for us while still having a desire to live a life filled with excitement. Where is the excitement in knowing what will happen next? There will always be disappointments but that is part of life. There can be so many reasons to get mad and angry at the world and the society but why would I when I can do something about it? It does not have to be grand.

The small gestures of respect and love is enough to live your life. If you were born with a vision then go for it. If you were born with warmness in your heart then do not be afraid to share this. If you were born with a talent then please, please do not be afraid of showing it. If you were born with a soft voice but a strong will then find a way.

The world teaches us how to numb down our feelings and lower down our voices but we were brought in this world for a reason. Whatever it may be, please never give up in whatever good you are doing. This popular video that spread like fire in all form of social media teaches us that we must not let our environment dictate our future. The judge was obviously surprised with how her good childhood friend resulted to theft. An answer will be societal standards.

I imagine a world where character precedes personality, morals before networks, and humility over pride. This may be an ideal state but so many people have fought for it, which means that it is worth fighting for. The world is becoming one, my friends. There are no more set standards or definitions ( I have yet to analyze whether this is a good thing or not ) that restrict us from becoming the reality of our dreams. Anything can happen now. Who knew these things like cell phones, laptops, airplanes, 3D printing, and many more inventions and discoveries will ever exist?

That is what I am feeling right now: hopeful but still, speechless

|| I will later write about where this inspiration came from, in a separate post about traveling. I still was not able to find the right words to describe the whole experience. There are a couple of drafts that I have started but nothing solid. It will be soon, loves! ||

Creating Revolutions

“When everything seems to lack in integrity, find it in yourself. You change the world right from where you’re standing.” – Henry (Madam Secretary, Season 1 Episode 22)

I definitely love this TV series because it touches on the positive aspect of politics where people take into consideration the values and perspective of the common good. There is so much pollution in this world, not only literally but also figuratively. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.. we are trained to see our lives as a purpose to make a huge impact in the world, especially after being exposed with a lot of superhero shows that emphasizes on our capability to make this world a better place to live in.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that idea but it ignores the idea that we are just human beings and we are not perfectly equipped in carrying the whole weight of the world. We must change from within, there is no other way. If we can’t take care of ourselves, then how can we take care of the world. It’s just not possible.

The worst possible way of living life is waiting.. waiting for the “right time”, “right place” and the “right opportunity” to come. News flash: reality does not happen that way. The best way to start changing people’s lives is to begin with yourself right now. There is no better time that today. Yes, timing is important in so many aspects but here’s the thing, if you feel strongly about something like getting that promotion, moving to another city, or making that first move.. then just do it. In order to make an impact in someone else’s life, one must be a good role model.

I want to change people’s lives and the world. I want to help people grow and become the best versions of themselves. I want character to be the basis of a person’s worth and not his / her personality, whether he / she is an introvert or an extrovert. How can I make these changes if I myself am not aware of my strengths and weaknesses or if I was not able to acknowledge my potential and being comfortable with who I truly am or if I cannot accept that my weaknesses may regard me as part of the “normal”??

There is no better way than today, really. Starting today, I will be more kind to myself and acknowledge that I am worthy while being grounded. My daily interactions and the way I respond to my daily challenges are the baby steps that determines my desired future.

It will be a long, tiring, frustrating, and maybe even a disappointing path but at the end of the road, everything will be alright. Trust.

Pleasing Disorder

When I was in this workshop that focused on using emotions for the advantage of improving one’s confidence and energy level, I was able to verify something about myself. I truly live for the sake of wanting to make people feel good about themselves.

The activity goes like this: we were told to stand up and separate into 2 groups. There were 2 rounds. The first round is that our group had to walk around slouching our backs, looking down, and avoiding any sort of conversation that the other group (while they were walking with confidence, smiling, putting their chin up, and greeting everyone they meet) initiated. The roles were reversed for the second round where our group gets to become the confident ones. We were then asked about our confidence and energy levels after every round. Everyone’s answers made sense in a way that most of them had either a higher level of both criteria. I did not raise my hand because I was not sure what I felt during the whole session. My energy levels were almost the same and even somehow at some point, went below that my starting point.

What’s the reason behind this? At first, I really did not understand but after reflecting on it, I was able to fully internalize why I had such reactions.

I did not want anyone to feel different than what I was feeling and this is most true when I am happy. Whoever I am talking to and surrounded with, I want them to either feel as happy as I am or even better. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about this same topic and it’s really great to hear someone else’s perspective because it wakes you up from where you’re stuck at. I was stuck at thinking that “why would I want to be so happy when the people around me are not satisfied with where they are? Am I not responsible in going down to their level and finding a way to raise their spirits?” My brother instantly responded, “No.”

I was a bit annoyed at first because me, being a big humanitarian, did not believe that there is such a thing as being more privileged or blessed because I knew that everyone had a flaw so each individual deserves accommodation. This may be true in some sense but when my brother said, “I am surrounded by confident people and seeing them inspires me to be confident as well. If they had gone down to my level then no one wins. When they show me the better way of living, which is through assertiveness then it’s a win-win situation. I get to be as confident and they don’t lose theirs.”

I am still digesting this fact that is not too common for me. I grew up in environments where people really depended on me to improve their lives. In elementary and high school, I was the one who was good at Math and taught her fellow students to keep on track with all the lessons. In swimming training, I was the eldest of them all so I was looked upon to become a role model, a nurturing big sister and an understanding competitor for her fellow team mates. At home, I was the eldest among my siblings and therefore, was tasked to teach her siblings, take care of them, and was responsible for their performance both at home and in school. I should not say that it was a burden to carry but at some point, it did become one because I exhausted all my energy towards bringing people to their highest point that I was not receiving enough from the people around me. They expected me to have enough and unfortunately, I did not have enough.

It is hard but I find it ingrained in myself.. the need to understand everyone even if they don’t need to be understood. My plate is full but I tend to sacrifice my own happiness in order to satisfy someone else’s. It can be tiring but I must fight through this. I need to keep my kindness but at the same time, respect my own serenity and identity.

Ride the Current

We must go with the flow. Let us work in harmony with nature. The more we fight against life, the more we will be isolated to our greatest dreams. If we want to achieve something, work hard for it but once we understand that every odd is against it, our hearts are suffering, and our values are being compromised.. I suggest that we stop.

I have always been a fighter. I was a competitive swimmer so the sport taught me a lot about perseverance and discipline. These were very significant in understanding how I must behave in life. The opposite side of the coin was that I never really knew when to stop. When I become passionate and involved in an activity, I give my all. Nothing, not even my parents and friends, was successful in ceasing my efforts in doing what I love to do.

[ At the end of the day, you are your own friend. Listen to yourself, know your limits. ]

I started late as a competitive swimmer – first year of high school – so it was definitely a challenge for me to get to where I was. I worked my way to not become better than anyone but myself. My times kept improving and I became the co-captain of my team but all good things must come to an end. Reality hit me, I was not developing myself anymore.. I was stagnant, a plateau. I needed to do something and change my situation. The rest was history. The happy ending was that I was able to get to college varsity and my times were getting more competitive despite the fall I experienced. I was blessed and here goes life, we had to move to a different country. Swimming was hard to give up. It was my life, my identity. It was everything that I was. However, I knew I have had enough competitions and it’s time to focus on reality where it kept telling me that my academics suffered because of the sport. It was good to build my confidence but I learned that without swimming, I was broken. Unless I want to become an athlete forever, I had to give it up. This was life’s decision for me. It asked me to focus on more important things: career, academics, health, and self-discovery.

I noticed how much my diet has changed since then. It was really bad right after but then, I got to learn the beauty of a healthy lifestyle and I am still learning.. I was able to explore possible careers and other interests.

Small miracles happen to remind us that once we follow the compass within us, our lives will eventually fall into the right place at the right time. Sometimes it does not make sense but have trust for a Higher Being or just the thought of something bigger than you are – nature – in order to fulfill your utmost purpose. I noticed that me going against the current made me drift away from the people and ideas that are dear to my heart. I was being selfish about my needs that I disregarded what life was telling me. I needed to stop what I was doing and I needed to go back to basics, my foundation. I was too hard on myself.

[ have patience and be mindful of your environment ]

In every situation that I face, I just tell myself that everything happens for a reason. It has to. Not every good thing that I saw myself achieving for was actually beneficial for me and not every problem that I encountered destroyed me. What we expect are not what really happens in reality. The current can bring us anywhere and everywhere so what is most significant is that we never lose hope that every little thing will be alright. Trust me, I have tried again and again to achieve several things just because I thought it will be nice but then, life happens. It is good to want something but never be blind for the signs that are pointing whether your heart desires it and whether it will be a platform that you will be able to stand for, long term.

Illusions of Us

We all want to be happy. Everything we do we perceive to lead to happiness. We study hard to be seen as someone smart, to be accepted and therefore to be happy. We work so hard to be recognized and then promoted to receive a better salary, which leads to a better lifestyle and attainment of our either materialistic and non-materialistic wants and needs where these results to happiness. We work things out with our past because we want to fix everything and make everything smooth sailing in order to feel a sense of relief and security, which are also known to be associated to being happy. In life, I realized that I have planted my goals with the notion that these will provide me an uplifting emotion that will last forever. I want to be this ideal being who gets this dream job and have a perfect family to become a big somebody in this world. However, these are not the cases at most (or all) times. In my observations, every time that I set a list of goals, I have created a world of my own illusions.

the illusion that this position will make me happy this illusion that this opportunity will make me happy this illusion that this experience will make me happy this illusion that this thing will make me happy

The end goal must not be to become happy. In my opinion and based on the experiences of falling down and rising back up, I have understood the logic behind my ability to reach my desired state: inner peace and consistency. I needed to understand a very important lesson: I must not aim for happiness but personal growth. Everything that we do, once it challenges our belief and at the same time, aligns with our values, will become another path paved for us in reaching our destination. I noticed that every time I was able to accomplish a specific goal that I thought will bring me happiness, the more likely that I became disappointed because of the great expectations that this certain experience will satisfy my needs. I learned to let loose and trust myself more than the external forces of pressure to become this ideal person. It was a scary thought at times to know that maybe who I thought I should be does not reflect who I truly am.

I am supposed to be loud I am supposed to be ready to exclaim my achievements and sell myself I am supposed to be more aggressive and be less afraid of hustling I am supposed to network well to use them to reach my desired career

I am none of those. Just for the sake of having no regrets, I tried them out at one point of my life but then, I really felt awful later on. These characteristics did not reflect my values nor did they make me feel proud of who I am. I did not want to talk about so much of my accomplishments just so that I will be noticed or have that “edge”. I cannot and will not use my relationships for the very reason that they are useful for me. My relationships are all about substance, I keep them because they share a part of who I am and I value their thoughts.

We are made to be different; therefore, with different paths to choose. There is never just one way to be able to become our best versions. It can be really difficult and frustrating but so far.. from what I understood, in order to reach that genuine sense of fulfillment and happiness, I must be able to aim for my personal growth and everything will fall into its right place at the right time. Patience is the key. Most importantly, no matter what happens, always look back to notice the patterns that mirror your strengths and capabilities as an individual. Use these and hone them for these are the things that shapes our identity and reflects our uniqueness. Why focus on the darkness of the night when there are so many stars? Look for the experiences that will enhance your understanding of the world and of yourself. Invest your time wisely. Listen to yourself more than you listen to the world around you, you know the best for you; however, be open to new things and ideas as these contribute to broadening your creativity and imagination. Lastly, at the end of the day, we are who we are and no matter how much we try to become the persons dictated by the society as “acceptable” and “notable”, our hearts will always remind us of our innermost identity.

Identity speaks of our values. Identity does not indicate our worst habits nor our greatest fears rather identity reminds us what keeps us alive and enthusiastic about life. It is the main driver of why we continue to live and strive for the better and for the best of ourselves.

Relativity of Courage

We are taught at a very young age, by society and by most media platforms, to challenge ourselves all the time.. to be able to look beyond our fears and weaknesses and to just keep moving forward no matter what happens.

This does not turn out well for everybody. One of which is myself. The ideal journey is I will keep fighting until I get to achieve my greatest dreams. Here’s the catch: I don’t know what my dream is just yet. If you do, please enlighten me with some advice. If you don’t, welcome to reality! This is a common challenge for most people and we become blinded because we are too focused to persevere and work hard that we lose focus of what’s important: our identity and our values. Working hard towards a goal is AMAZING but we must fully be involved in the process and the purpose of the goal.

Just recently, I turned down an amazing opportunity. I know that I’ve been worn out and taking on another responsibility at this phase of my life will only make things worse than it already is, in terms of finding the right balance. When I made the decision, I assured myself that there will be no turning back on any “what if’s” because it’s not a healthy habit. It was a hard for me because I am such a YES! person but I know that it is time to take the backseat and let life drive first. It’s been an exhausting ride and I am reaching nowhere.

Courage is not just all about walking towards the edge of life rather it can also mean humbling oneself and knowing one’s limitations. 

My definition of this concept have changed over time. I’m not telling you to change yours but to be open to what I have to got to share. I have learned that courage can also mean stepping back to basics to absorb everything that has happened and to assess who I am and why I do what I do. We say that the easy part is to relax and the challenge is to accept an opportunity; however, I see it differently. I feel that it is so much easier to go with saying yes to every single chance to prove myself and definitely much more difficult to sit back and hear my inner voice. This is a beautiful post by Jamie Varon on ThoughtCatalog about vulnerability and genuinely living your life. 

I was always a flexible person but I have realized that I needed to become more firm with my decisions. This world is filled with things that we can consume, physically, mentally, and emotionally but we must know how to balance and criticize each priority to make sure that it aligns to our values because if not.. then what’s the point of exerting 100000% effort and putting in so much time if the end result is emptiness?

Courage is relative to each person’s experience, depending on their comfort zones and ability to express their passions.

I am an ambivert but leaning towards an introvert, which means that I love having friends and positive energy around me but then, I can only give so much after taking in enough to sustain my enthusiasm for the day. For the past 3 years, I have exhausted every inch of my drive in pursuit of creating an impact to my environment, most especially to people around me. I am not saying that I quit rather, I have come to a point where my comfort zone has been expanded to its largest capability.. where I’m reaching the deadly zone of pushing myself too hard and setting too high standards.

My passion is to help others excel. Like how my brother has kept reminding me, I have done so much and enough at the moment. He knows my desire to bring out the best out of every person I meet but I can only do so much when I myself have not reached the peak of my maturity (in personal growth and experience).

It’s time to look at a different perspective and seek the foundation of my identity again.
It’s time to declutter my mind and find the right balance.
It’s time to explore on my truest personal passions that will equip me to emotionally and mentally take on the world to fulfill my greater purpose.

After all, “in this life, we must find something to live for cause when darkness comes a calling, we go back to where we were before.. cause this life is as fragile as a dream, nothing’s ever really as it seems.”

This does not mean that we have to lay down our dreams for ourselves. Not at all. I am a strong believer of pursuits of happiness. My point is that how will we ever achieve those dreams whether to change the world, end poverty, become a professional athlete, be a world traveler, or even lead a country if we ourselves haven’t understood what makes us unique individuals. It’s a tough journey but definitely a worthwhile one, follow your inner voice and never regret. Please be kind to yourself. 

Back Against the Wall

I am a believer of something bigger than who I am. I know that everything happens for a reason, how amazing or painful the experience is.

In my life, I have been able to achieve a lot of things but nothing really indicates that I was chosen out of a crowd and it’s maybe because I was very different. The way I perceive things and even express myself. It’s hard to not feel a sense of belongingness.. no matter how much I try. The only situations that made me feel that I was becoming myself was through swimming and when I am alone, typing these words.

Ever since I was a child, I had a feeling that I was meant for something great, not to be famous or popular but rather destined to find a way to change this world and its perception towards people who are experiencing some difficulties in trying to “fit in”. People acknowledge my amazing personality but does not necessarily see me as someone deserving of the best and not just the better.

I am kind, nice, friendly, pleasant, cheerful, and helpful but how does these attributes tell everyone that I, too, can get mad, hurt, determined, moody, and sad. The judgements are piling up and it’s eating me up because then, people expect me to always be the person who helps them even if it’s out of context. I also feel pain and not just happiness. But here’s the thing: I really want to help.. but I don’t want to feel powerless.. and that’s what I am feeling every time people who did not use to value me (after seeing my achievements) try to get as much rewards from being my friend. Trust me, it’s not hard to become my friend. It hurts to be used. Moreover, it hurts that I know what they are doing but I cannot do anything because I want to help.

What is amazing though is that these things make me stronger.. but at the same time, challenges me to still keep my values while improving the skills that will get me that voice. It’s all about the communication. I lack that, ever since I was a child, it was difficult to express what I felt whether it be a happy or sad encounter. I end up just silencing myself because no one will listen to me anyway. And there.. I learned how to listen and hear what my environment had to say.

I have reached to a point where I know that if I didn’t challenge myself, I will be left behind. I am not normal but who says what is normal and what is not. We are all made as humans and what makes us special are our unique attributes.

These are all thoughts that challenge my faith and values. I always try to wipe my tears away because I know that it’s not worth crying on. I know that someday somehow, God will be able to show my the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a long way from now but it will come, just have faith.

The little girl inside me who was so innocent and treated every single person as someone she trusts is slowly fading away. The mad world is slowly eating me up. The voices outside is slowly taking over my inner voice. The big smile that I have always carried with me and tried to hold is slowly getting crooked. My heart is cringing for the very reason that I cannot seem to see myself being understood by the world.

My back is against the wall. What can I do.

Say what? Believe. Believe that there is a reason why you are heartbroken that you yourself was unable to love the true you: a gentle and fragile lady with a soft heart towards the smallest things. I acknowledge this but is this my final destination? To become a nice person that everyone “appreciates”. It hurts, physically, mentally, and emotionally.. that perseverance and hard work does not easily pay off.. that you will have to tell other people what you have done before you are appreciated. This breaks my heart.

I told you I’m different. So different, can you understand now? (maybe not)

And that is why, I always remind myself to just TRUST in the Supreme Being that It will show me what is deserving of me. I must have been avoiding it because I was too focused on getting what I want and not what I need. It’s a challenging journey. What my parents tell me is to just persevere and thrive in what I am doing right now and everything (somehow, some way) will fall into place.. eventually. It’s a tough ride but I will push myself away from the wall and take a stand for what I stand for: a unique individual.. nothing more, nothing less.

Why you gotta be so rude?

I have always wondered what passion is supposed to feel like? When you want to pursue something, is it supposed to normally feel uncertain and awkward before you step into it? Or is it supposed to feel so exciting that the nervousness is just an added spice to balance the state of being so high up?

I always seek adventures and opportunities that will bring new perspective into my life. The desire to feel like the world wants me in it pushes me to actually run after them. But it’s hard, it hurts.. and that’s how it should feel.. for now. Why does love have to be so rude? Why does it attract you then leaves you hanging later on?

The biggest challenge is that this person that I’m competing is not anyone but myself. I just recently found out about this amazing Facebook page called berlin-artparasites and the posts here are so mind-blowing because you will realize how true it is but at the same time, how hidden it is in our society. This society has its own standards of excellence and we follow it.. forgetting the fact that we are our own standards of excellence. I have been carrying such weight of trying to understand what is right and what is wrong without considering what my heart aches for or what my values stand for.

It is all so intricate, life. Every detail of it and that’s how meticulous I am. Then again, something hit me. Why contemplate on things that do not need any contemplation? Why complicate things when it’s already simple? Why try to control things that are not meant to be controlled? Three reasons why:

As a human being, I want to adapt to belong.

I observe people to be able to adapt. I thought that being flexible is an excellent characteristic to possess but unfortunately, it is not for most of the time. It’s good to understand what’s happening around you and to be able to see what is moral in their own terms and what is considered a taboo; however, the more abstract things like our values must stay intact. This is where our beliefs are shaken and tested, our personalities questioned and possibly misunderstood by some people. Our experiences shape our current identities but at the same time, if we are too flexible then it will be difficult to actually acknowledge who we really are. (our true strengths and weaknesses, our personality and characteristics.. which is which)

Solution: Know yourself. Do self-assessments at least twice a year to be more clear on who you truly are and what you value the most.

As a human being, I want to understand to be understood.

There are times that I had to be certain of the outcome but then I realized that I cannot simply control everything. It was this notion that I always had the power to change and bring impact to my surrounding. I can, you can, and we all can; however, there are certain limitations that only we would know for ourselves. For example, I always try to analyze my surrounding and act upon what is expected. This can be good in a professional setting but when it generally comes to life, it can be a trick. It now becomes a challenge to ask you how much of my life truly represents who I am.

Solution: Understand yourself first then everything else will fall into place.. eventually. Be patient and open to new experiences. You will be misunderstood and that is normal, you cannot please everyone nor can you expect them to understand when you explain your circumstances to them. Love YOU!

……..

Life is not rude, it never was and never will be. I was the one who was making it seem rude. Life is beautiful and just like us, without the imperfections, it will not blossom into something worth fighting for.