Back Against the Wall

I am a believer of something bigger than who I am. I know that everything happens for a reason, how amazing or painful the experience is.

In my life, I have been able to achieve a lot of things but nothing really indicates that I was chosen out of a crowd and it’s maybe because I was very different. The way I perceive things and even express myself. It’s hard to not feel a sense of belongingness.. no matter how much I try. The only situations that made me feel that I was becoming myself was through swimming and when I am alone, typing these words.

Ever since I was a child, I had a feeling that I was meant for something great, not to be famous or popular but rather destined to find a way to change this world and its perception towards people who are experiencing some difficulties in trying to “fit in”. People acknowledge my amazing personality but does not necessarily see me as someone deserving of the best and not just the better.

I am kind, nice, friendly, pleasant, cheerful, and helpful but how does these attributes tell everyone that I, too, can get mad, hurt, determined, moody, and sad. The judgements are piling up and it’s eating me up because then, people expect me to always be the person who helps them even if it’s out of context. I also feel pain and not just happiness. But here’s the thing: I really want to help.. but I don’t want to feel powerless.. and that’s what I am feeling every time people who did not use to value me (after seeing my achievements) try to get as much rewards from being my friend. Trust me, it’s not hard to become my friend. It hurts to be used. Moreover, it hurts that I know what they are doing but I cannot do anything because I want to help.

What is amazing though is that these things make me stronger.. but at the same time, challenges me to still keep my values while improving the skills that will get me that voice. It’s all about the communication. I lack that, ever since I was a child, it was difficult to express what I felt whether it be a happy or sad encounter. I end up just silencing myself because no one will listen to me anyway. And there.. I learned how to listen and hear what my environment had to say.

I have reached to a point where I know that if I didn’t challenge myself, I will be left behind. I am not normal but who says what is normal and what is not. We are all made as humans and what makes us special are our unique attributes.

These are all thoughts that challenge my faith and values. I always try to wipe my tears away because I know that it’s not worth crying on. I know that someday somehow, God will be able to show my the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a long way from now but it will come, just have faith.

The little girl inside me who was so innocent and treated every single person as someone she trusts is slowly fading away. The mad world is slowly eating me up. The voices outside is slowly taking over my inner voice. The big smile that I have always carried with me and tried to hold is slowly getting crooked. My heart is cringing for the very reason that I cannot seem to see myself being understood by the world.

My back is against the wall. What can I do.

Say what? Believe. Believe that there is a reason why you are heartbroken that you yourself was unable to love the true you: a gentle and fragile lady with a soft heart towards the smallest things. I acknowledge this but is this my final destination? To become a nice person that everyone “appreciates”. It hurts, physically, mentally, and emotionally.. that perseverance and hard work does not easily pay off.. that you will have to tell other people what you have done before you are appreciated. This breaks my heart.

I told you I’m different. So different, can you understand now? (maybe not)

And that is why, I always remind myself to just TRUST in the Supreme Being that It will show me what is deserving of me. I must have been avoiding it because I was too focused on getting what I want and not what I need. It’s a challenging journey. What my parents tell me is to just persevere and thrive in what I am doing right now and everything (somehow, some way) will fall into place.. eventually. It’s a tough ride but I will push myself away from the wall and take a stand for what I stand for: a unique individual.. nothing more, nothing less.

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