I will be done University in less than 2 weeks. I finished an exam just this morning and have two more to write. I know that I should probably be more worried about studying for those than writing this post but I have been caught up with life and I just gotta shake it off, you know? School has been hectic, as usual. It’s a fixed aspect of my life but I gotta admit.. there’s so much variability happening around me that maybe, I have to find something constant to optimize my life.. for now. Forgive my terms, I just finished a statistics exam! tee hee
Anyway, this term has been the most overwhelming for me yet. I don’t know why but one thing’s for sure: I have to pause. (at least for 3 hours before I study again for my tomorrow’s exam)
I have been chasing pavements, yes. I wanted to do this and that, challenge myself and take on several responsibilities because I did not want to “waste” time. People think I stress too much but I like getting things done. I wanted to be productive for the sake of wanting to feel “fulfilled”. I kept those quotation marks because I know that everyone has his or her own particular definition for them. What has life been? fast.
I value my emotions and keep my feeling on check every now and then. Recently though, I am guilty of just flying by life because I want to graduate and well, reap the harvest of my hard work even though I know that it’s not immediate. I know it takes time and looking back, I have no regrets.. yet. Everything has been normal until life hits you with a “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”
Pavement after pavement, these houses look so pretty that working my way all day everyday makes it seem worth it.
Here are some reasons why you should pause: Let’s rephrase that, here are some reasons why I should pause:
Reason # 1: I am just one person
I want these:
- read lots of books
- play my keyboards
- try boxing
- swimming routine
- study for an MBA
- get a TEFL certificate
- open a business
- build a foundation
- learn the guitar
- buy a trumpet/clarinet
- attend jazz concerts
but you see, I’m just ONE person. I have to understand the essence of time and appreciate the process. If it feels right then I’ll do it. I must learn to say no to the things that don’t define me. I guess, I am still figuring my way in this thing called LIFE.
What am I running from? boredom and regret.
What am I running towards? success and accomplishment.
That was my mentality before but now, I’ve realized that they can go side by side and overlap if I go against the flow and timing of what feels right right now. What I mean by that is for example, I want buy a guitar because I don’t want to regret instead of acknowledging that I am already busy with school plus I haven’t really played my keyboards at home for the longest time.. then if I actually buy it, I will have to juggle all of what I have and not be really successful. You know that feeling that bothers you when you haven’t really done the things that you told yourself you would do?
Yes, that guilt. In my opinion, it happens when we do things for the wrong reasons. I have learned to check in with myself and my intentions.
Good: Love and Passion
Bad: Attention and Pride
Limitations are sometimes good because there is only enough space that my heart can feel for, that my mind can wander on, and that my time can really accommodate. Don’t get me wrong, I have 0 regrets because I have done almost everything that I wanted to do (+ there’s so much more) but it is accepting the fact that I can’t do everything single thing. Time must be spent gracefully.
Reason # 2: I know what I want
Authenticity is what I am aiming for in my daily encounters. It is hard, especially when I internalize on the possible judgments and expectations that people have on me but guess what? those should not matter. Listen carefully to what your heart yearns for, whether it be serenity or excitement or depth or creativity. Be honest to yourself and as long as you’re not doing anything wrong, why be shy? I should tell that to myself more often. ❤ Enough said.
Reason # 3: I just lost a good friend
I cannot fathom the words to really describe how it feels to lose someone so close to me. She was like a sister to me.. someone who understood my strengths, weaknesses and tendencies (vice versa) that our lives can almost intertwine. Our conversations always run deep about the intricate details of our teenage years, the countless answers to our present struggles, and our visions of the future. I was in a rat race until this caught my attention and I knew that I just had to stop or at least to slow down. If I don’t, I am sure that it will hit me all at once by the time my exams are finished. It won’t be nice and I’m sure that my friend would not want to see me sad. I will tell you more about it later, my fellow word-pressers. I can probably express myself better in writing that in speech so hear me out. 🙂
It has been a great 2-hour break writing this. I know that life still goes on.. and on.. and on no matter what so I have to chase another pavement but this time, I will respect my pace and allow some rest to just be still. I deserve it. We all do.
Off I go! Wish me luck. And may your lives be ever beautiful where beautiful does not mean perfect straight lines but loops and loops of squiggly shapes and sizes. Your choice. What looks more beautiful? 🙂