My Soul-Being

Hello,

It’s been 10 days since my e-decluttering and to be honest, there were really times when I wanted to get back on Instagram to check out images. I am very visual – meaning I love looking at scenic images that people take when traveling in addition to showcasing my interest in photography and so, how funny it may seem.. Instagram was the hardest to let go. Then I realized, experiencing the world with my own eyes feels more real and I needed more of that. My soul seeks for it.

My life is not the most perfect as some people may think as I’m always joyous and smiling. I have a wonderful family, that’s for sure. My internal compass has not been the best and I have not been kindest to my heart and soul. I am highly sensitive to energies and did not realize that until a friend of mine pointed it out. I see people not as what they look or the wall they build, I seep through all that and see their souls, which can be hard when the world is getting darker and darker.

I had the opportunity to watch the PRIDE parade today since it’s really close to my place and I almost cried because if people can come together in that event, how can people not meet halfway on all days. Now, I’m not saying that people should never have conflicts because that is just impossible. What we need is more respect and kindness among one another.

I had a person ask me, “Why are you so nice?” Actually looking back, it was probably more than just one person. Despite the repetitive questions, I still keep being taken aback because for me, it’s innate. Instead of saying, “Oh, how come? Nah.” I have learned to respond by asking them in return, “Well, why not?” Let’s all work together to let humankind.. be kind and to get the impression that we are naturally good people no matter our history or experiences in life. It is definitely easier said than done but if you are not hurting anyone (and please, that includes yourself) – what will you lose in being kind. It is a hard life to live with kindness but the heart and soul will be happy.

Looking outside, I have practiced the art but I forgot to have self-compassion so now, I’ll promise to take care of my soul too.

Same goes for you, ok?

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Seasonal Hues

Life evolves and transforms like the seasons – happiness, excitement, disappointment, contentment. It changes day by day, it could be by the hour or by the minute and possibly in a second, your life can change its course. In order to thrive in these sudden transformations, you must be flexible but grounded. Your values guide your decisions and therefore, form your identity. My decisions are a dictation of who I am and what my future might entail so I always remember to live life with intent and meaning.

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Recently, I moved out from family. It felt right for me because I thought that the transition to explore life as a I reach my quarter-life was almost natural. The need to get out and have my own space of consciousness was there and I could not ignore it. That was my soul reaching out to my very existence – I must recognize that. Nonetheless, I took my time to find the right people and the right place and now that it has come, I feel quite strange and different (in the most surreal yet humbling way).

I thought it was fair to document this so I could look back and reminisce the very essence of following what I thought was right. This opportunity to choose to be in my own space – without anyone’s dictation. I am grateful for my parents’ trust and for the Greater Being’s guidance on my journey to get here.

My parents were certainly devastated inside that I have left their abode as it is quite a taboo in my culture to be moving out before marriage. I have reassured them (and myself) that my departure was not about their lack of love or my escape from their clutches and it was more of my desire to understand myself better so I could love my whole identity and build my very own personal pillars. I’m doing this for them. (and for myself)

It’s a win-win situation, in my opinion.

In order for me to continue spreading love, I must learn to love myself and I can say in whole honesty that I do not. It is disappointing but I bully myself more than anyone else could bully anyone and if you know me, I am quite a critic. My love for my family covers every inch of my soul. I decided to challenge my life choices because I know that at the of the day, I will get to bring home more love and respect for my parents (respect because I will now know how it feels to really take care of my own space now that they are not there to easily fix my errors) and more wisdom to share to my siblings (wisdom on how to further grow and mature conscientiously).

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Moving out isn’t for everyone and timing is very important. Understand yours and know that you must move at your own pace. Do not do something because everyone else is doing it – you will regret it. You are your own person so build your own story!

Seasons pass and you must fully immerse yourself in the whole experience because next thing you’ll know – it has already passed. Life is beautiful and what better way to live it than with all your heart, soul, and mind. Every hue is different but look at it closely and see the beauty it unfolds. Never lose that. Colour away. 🙂

3rd law of motion

It already surprises how one can change their minds so quickly but what blows my mind is how one’s perspective towards himself/herself, people around him/her, and the world can change in a heartbeat because of a sudden realization.

Life is easier done than said. How? The more experiences I accumulate, the deeper understanding and maturity I will possess. Failure is given; success is a milestone to celebrated but it is always not to get attached to it. {fame & power are tools to perform greater deeds and must never be the destination}

“No man is an island”

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.. it’s true but its much simpler than what I thought. There were a lot of instances that this came to me but it was only a few days ago that it occurred to me: my action is a chain reaction of what can happen next to someone else’s life. We are given this freedom to choose but ensure that you have the purest intentions in doing what you’ve chosen in addition to committing to it 100% – unless it becomes unhealthy to you and the people around you.

I reflected to my own life and realized that most of the blessings and mishaps that happened to me was a domino effect – no blame games here. The reality is that it would be a hike. The idea of “the one” and the “normal” thing to do are illusions created, you and I can build our own experiences with the daily decisions that we make. You and I are true shapers of the world and the reason events happen are due to our actions – in accumulation. 

pure intentions + ultimate commitment = ? destination
personal stories = experiences with events and people

I believe in the greater Being and my knowledge relies on It providing every human being to decide while being given the notion of the consciousness. As I have silenced the negativity and noise around me, the more I heard my own voice – listen carefully. However, also open some light into other people’s perspectives, it can be a lifetime lesson. Hear them out but know how to question. Stay curious. 🙂

C’est la vie, mes ami/es!

Creating Revolutions

“When everything seems to lack in integrity, find it in yourself. You change the world right from where you’re standing.” – Henry (Madam Secretary, Season 1 Episode 22)

I definitely love this TV series because it touches on the positive aspect of politics where people take into consideration the values and perspective of the common good. There is so much pollution in this world, not only literally but also figuratively. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.. we are trained to see our lives as a purpose to make a huge impact in the world, especially after being exposed with a lot of superhero shows that emphasizes on our capability to make this world a better place to live in.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that idea but it ignores the idea that we are just human beings and we are not perfectly equipped in carrying the whole weight of the world. We must change from within, there is no other way. If we can’t take care of ourselves, then how can we take care of the world. It’s just not possible.

The worst possible way of living life is waiting.. waiting for the “right time”, “right place” and the “right opportunity” to come. News flash: reality does not happen that way. The best way to start changing people’s lives is to begin with yourself right now. There is no better time that today. Yes, timing is important in so many aspects but here’s the thing, if you feel strongly about something like getting that promotion, moving to another city, or making that first move.. then just do it. In order to make an impact in someone else’s life, one must be a good role model.

I want to change people’s lives and the world. I want to help people grow and become the best versions of themselves. I want character to be the basis of a person’s worth and not his / her personality, whether he / she is an introvert or an extrovert. How can I make these changes if I myself am not aware of my strengths and weaknesses or if I was not able to acknowledge my potential and being comfortable with who I truly am or if I cannot accept that my weaknesses may regard me as part of the “normal”??

There is no better way than today, really. Starting today, I will be more kind to myself and acknowledge that I am worthy while being grounded. My daily interactions and the way I respond to my daily challenges are the baby steps that determines my desired future.

It will be a long, tiring, frustrating, and maybe even a disappointing path but at the end of the road, everything will be alright. Trust.

Pleasing Disorder

When I was in this workshop that focused on using emotions for the advantage of improving one’s confidence and energy level, I was able to verify something about myself. I truly live for the sake of wanting to make people feel good about themselves.

The activity goes like this: we were told to stand up and separate into 2 groups. There were 2 rounds. The first round is that our group had to walk around slouching our backs, looking down, and avoiding any sort of conversation that the other group (while they were walking with confidence, smiling, putting their chin up, and greeting everyone they meet) initiated. The roles were reversed for the second round where our group gets to become the confident ones. We were then asked about our confidence and energy levels after every round. Everyone’s answers made sense in a way that most of them had either a higher level of both criteria. I did not raise my hand because I was not sure what I felt during the whole session. My energy levels were almost the same and even somehow at some point, went below that my starting point.

What’s the reason behind this? At first, I really did not understand but after reflecting on it, I was able to fully internalize why I had such reactions.

I did not want anyone to feel different than what I was feeling and this is most true when I am happy. Whoever I am talking to and surrounded with, I want them to either feel as happy as I am or even better. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about this same topic and it’s really great to hear someone else’s perspective because it wakes you up from where you’re stuck at. I was stuck at thinking that “why would I want to be so happy when the people around me are not satisfied with where they are? Am I not responsible in going down to their level and finding a way to raise their spirits?” My brother instantly responded, “No.”

I was a bit annoyed at first because me, being a big humanitarian, did not believe that there is such a thing as being more privileged or blessed because I knew that everyone had a flaw so each individual deserves accommodation. This may be true in some sense but when my brother said, “I am surrounded by confident people and seeing them inspires me to be confident as well. If they had gone down to my level then no one wins. When they show me the better way of living, which is through assertiveness then it’s a win-win situation. I get to be as confident and they don’t lose theirs.

I am still digesting this fact that is not too common for me. I grew up in environments where people really depended on me to improve their lives. In elementary and high school, I was the one who was good at Math and taught her fellow students to keep on track with all the lessons. In swimming training, I was the eldest of them all so I was looked upon to become a role model, a nurturing big sister and an understanding competitor for her fellow team mates. At home, I was the eldest among my siblings and therefore, was tasked to teach her siblings, take care of them, and was responsible for their performance both at home and in school. I should not say that it was a burden to carry but at some point, it did become one because I exhausted all my energy towards bringing people to their highest point that I was not receiving enough from the people around me. They expected me to have enough and unfortunately, I did not have enough.

It is hard but I find it ingrained in myself.. the need to understand everyone even if they don’t need to be understood. My plate is full but I tend to sacrifice my own happiness in order to satisfy someone else’s. It can be tiring but I must fight through this. I need to keep my kindness but at the same time, respect my own serenity and identity.

Illusions of Us

We all want to be happy. Everything we do we perceive to lead to happiness. We study hard to be seen as someone smart, to be accepted and therefore to be happy. We work so hard to be recognized and then promoted to receive a better salary, which leads to a better lifestyle and attainment of our either materialistic and non-materialistic wants and needs where these results to happiness. We work things out with our past because we want to fix everything and make everything smooth sailing in order to feel a sense of relief and security, which are also known to be associated to being happy. In life, I realized that I have planted my goals with the notion that these will provide me an uplifting emotion that will last forever. I want to be this ideal being who gets this dream job and have a perfect family to become a big somebody in this world. However, these are not the cases at most (or all) times. In my observations, every time that I set a list of goals, I have created a world of my own illusions.

the illusion that this position will make me happy this illusion that this opportunity will make me happy this illusion that this experience will make me happy this illusion that this thing will make me happy

The end goal must not be to become happy. In my opinion and based on the experiences of falling down and rising back up, I have understood the logic behind my ability to reach my desired state: inner peace and consistency. I needed to understand a very important lesson: I must not aim for happiness but personal growth. Everything that we do, once it challenges our belief and at the same time, aligns with our values, will become another path paved for us in reaching our destination. I noticed that every time I was able to accomplish a specific goal that I thought will bring me happiness, the more likely that I became disappointed because of the great expectations that this certain experience will satisfy my needs. I learned to let loose and trust myself more than the external forces of pressure to become this ideal person. It was a scary thought at times to know that maybe who I thought I should be does not reflect who I truly am.

I am supposed to be loud I am supposed to be ready to exclaim my achievements and sell myself I am supposed to be more aggressive and be less afraid of hustling I am supposed to network well to use them to reach my desired career

I am none of those. Just for the sake of having no regrets, I tried them out at one point of my life but then, I really felt awful later on. These characteristics did not reflect my values nor did they make me feel proud of who I am. I did not want to talk about so much of my accomplishments just so that I will be noticed or have that “edge”. I cannot and will not use my relationships for the very reason that they are useful for me. My relationships are all about substance, I keep them because they share a part of who I am and I value their thoughts.

We are made to be different; therefore, with different paths to choose. There is never just one way to be able to become our best versions. It can be really difficult and frustrating but so far.. from what I understood, in order to reach that genuine sense of fulfillment and happiness, I must be able to aim for my personal growth and everything will fall into its right place at the right time. Patience is the key. Most importantly, no matter what happens, always look back to notice the patterns that mirror your strengths and capabilities as an individual. Use these and hone them for these are the things that shapes our identity and reflects our uniqueness. Why focus on the darkness of the night when there are so many stars? Look for the experiences that will enhance your understanding of the world and of yourself. Invest your time wisely. Listen to yourself more than you listen to the world around you, you know the best for you; however, be open to new things and ideas as these contribute to broadening your creativity and imagination. Lastly, at the end of the day, we are who we are and no matter how much we try to become the persons dictated by the society as “acceptable” and “notable”, our hearts will always remind us of our innermost identity.

Identity speaks of our values. Identity does not indicate our worst habits nor our greatest fears rather identity reminds us what keeps us alive and enthusiastic about life. It is the main driver of why we continue to live and strive for the better and for the best of ourselves.

Relativity of Courage

We are taught at a very young age, by society and by most media platforms, to challenge ourselves all the time.. to be able to look beyond our fears and weaknesses and to just keep moving forward no matter what happens.

This does not turn out well for everybody. One of which is myself. The ideal journey is I will keep fighting until I get to achieve my greatest dreams. Here’s the catch: I don’t know what my dream is just yet. If you do, please enlighten me with some advice. If you don’t, welcome to reality! This is a common challenge for most people and we become blinded because we are too focused to persevere and work hard that we lose focus of what’s important: our identity and our values. Working hard towards a goal is AMAZING but we must fully be involved in the process and the purpose of the goal.

Just recently, I turned down an amazing opportunity. I know that I’ve been worn out and taking on another responsibility at this phase of my life will only make things worse than it already is, in terms of finding the right balance. When I made the decision, I assured myself that there will be no turning back on any “what if’s” because it’s not a healthy habit. It was a hard for me because I am such a YES! person but I know that it is time to take the backseat and let life drive first. It’s been an exhausting ride and I am reaching nowhere.

Courage is not just all about walking towards the edge of life rather it can also mean humbling oneself and knowing one’s limitations. 

My definition of this concept have changed over time. I’m not telling you to change yours but to be open to what I have to got to share. I have learned that courage can also mean stepping back to basics to absorb everything that has happened and to assess who I am and why I do what I do. We say that the easy part is to relax and the challenge is to accept an opportunity; however, I see it differently. I feel that it is so much easier to go with saying yes to every single chance to prove myself and definitely much more difficult to sit back and hear my inner voice. This is a beautiful post by Jamie Varon on ThoughtCatalog about vulnerability and genuinely living your life. 

I was always a flexible person but I have realized that I needed to become more firm with my decisions. This world is filled with things that we can consume, physically, mentally, and emotionally but we must know how to balance and criticize each priority to make sure that it aligns to our values because if not.. then what’s the point of exerting 100000% effort and putting in so much time if the end result is emptiness?

Courage is relative to each person’s experience, depending on their comfort zones and ability to express their passions.

I am an ambivert but leaning towards an introvert, which means that I love having friends and positive energy around me but then, I can only give so much after taking in enough to sustain my enthusiasm for the day. For the past 3 years, I have exhausted every inch of my drive in pursuit of creating an impact to my environment, most especially to people around me. I am not saying that I quit rather, I have come to a point where my comfort zone has been expanded to its largest capability.. where I’m reaching the deadly zone of pushing myself too hard and setting too high standards.

My passion is to help others excel. Like how my brother has kept reminding me, I have done so much and enough at the moment. He knows my desire to bring out the best out of every person I meet but I can only do so much when I myself have not reached the peak of my maturity (in personal growth and experience).

It’s time to look at a different perspective and seek the foundation of my identity again.
It’s time to declutter my mind and find the right balance.
It’s time to explore on my truest personal passions that will equip me to emotionally and mentally take on the world to fulfill my greater purpose.

After all, “in this life, we must find something to live for cause when darkness comes a calling, we go back to where we were before.. cause this life is as fragile as a dream, nothing’s ever really as it seems.”

This does not mean that we have to lay down our dreams for ourselves. Not at all. I am a strong believer of pursuits of happiness. My point is that how will we ever achieve those dreams whether to change the world, end poverty, become a professional athlete, be a world traveler, or even lead a country if we ourselves haven’t understood what makes us unique individuals. It’s a tough journey but definitely a worthwhile one, follow your inner voice and never regret. Please be kind to yourself.