the climb

I have never felt so empty in my life.

When people see how I’m living, I seem so happy and whole but really, how could I tell them that I was not living the life that I crave for every time I wake up in the morning.

I feel like it’s too late to go back but is it?

I have been climbing up the ladder, crawling up the stairs just to see the rays of the sun by the window. They said it will be there when you get there. But when is when?

The struggle to want what I have is too real to ignore. People say “count my blessings” and I am, it’s just that the majority of my life just looks good on the outside but I feel dead inside. Why?

I still put my best foot forward in everything that I do and that’s why it hurts because I’d have to give in my best shot even if my heart is shouting “No!”. It hurts to feel this way.

Should life be all about resisting your inner ego of going for the things that I truly want. It may not be for me but there is an urge to follow my instinct, the one that my heart yearns for. My desire to feel important and impactful. It does not have to be big, it can be something simple but truly meaningful.

Then, there’s this pulling down factor of being judged. I know, who cares! but really, I care. I shouldn’t but I do. I love making people feel happy and cared for but it is not always mutual. I am not seeking for something in return but at the same time, I figured that I have forgotten to take care of myself. What do I see myself in 10 years from now? What risks am I willing to take? Am I living the life that I want? Do I feel energized? What other experiences did I want to go for?

They say that one of the greatest regrets people get when they grow older is that they chose to live according to the standards of someone else or the society.

The climb has been steep and I keep falling down but hey, there’s no giving up.

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